Only Slightly Inappropriate
Am I the only person in the world who thinks highly inappropriate thoughts pretty much every waking moment of the day? I often face the dilemma of deciding how far I should go when conversing with other people. Most people who work with me think that I'm nice and quiet because I believe in being professional. But, oh, how I long to work at a job where I can say what I want when I want to say it. Therefore, I have prepared a list of scenarios and what my real thoughts are. You're welcome. :)
Whenever I talk to old people, I just want to blurt out: "You old people are just so cute!!"
When people stare at me at the gym: "Do I have a wedgie?"
When people constantly talk about their problems: "Nobody gives a fuck."
When I'm grocery shopping with the kids: "Would it be bad if I took the kids with me down the alcohol aisle.....and grabbed more than one item?"
"How the fuck did you get a job?"
"They actually gave you a high school diploma?"
"They should require a special license to drive during rush hour."
"Why do women brag about being able to steal another woman's man? If he can be stolen, then he's not really a good catch to begin with."
"Stop putting your business out on FB and then getting mad that people are in your business."
"Why the hell would you make THAT your status and then get mad when people ask you about it?"
"You're stupid as shit."
"Let me guess. You're getting back with him."
"Damnit. I really want to grab another plate, but I know everyone already thinks I'm a fat ass."
"Let's hear how you feel fat as a size 2."
"Who started this business casual dress code? If they were smart, they would have made pajamas the dress code."
"I vote for mandatory naptime at work. And 2 days of work with 5 days off."
"I wish this person would leave the bathroom so I could take a shit."
"How the fuck do you get piss on the seat? This is a women's bathroom. You sit down. Do you not wipe before getting up?"
"My kids do more housework than you."
"You must have a lot of fucking time on your hands to stare at photos of how other people have buckled their kids in."
"The system of loans and credit lines is jacked. How does accruing debt prove that you can manage money well?"
"Atheism is basically its own religion (body of persons adhering to a particular set of beliefs and practices). Guess that complicates the whole "Separation of Church and State", Pledge of Allegiance, no God in schools thing."
"The only reason they find you "interesting" is because your breasts are all out in your profile pic."
"Your kids are bad as fuck."
"We all know you're lying."
"You smell like ass."
Quite honestly, the list goes on... feel free to add your own free speech below.